Gifts You Can’t Wrap: What People Really Want During the Holidays
By Eric Kang, R. Psych.
6 minute read
Every year, many of us spend hours searching for the perfect gifts for others; the ones that say I see you, I appreciate you, I love you. But the truth is, gifts are merely a proxy for what most of us really want. You can’t put deep understanding in a box or tie a bow around authentic love or connection, yet such aspects are the deep reverberations that stay with us long after the Christmas tree and decorations have come down. We hold onto these moments because our nervous system responds to connection, feeling understood, and emotionally safe; gifts that material objects cannot match.
Ask enough people to reflect on their most meaningful Christmas memories and the ones they tend to fondly recall don’t center on the latest gadget or flashy formation of matter they received that particular year. Instead, the memories people tend to cherish most are connected to elements like time spent with family and friends, heart to heart conversations around a fireplace, as well as long overdue reunions with the ones we’ve missed. These memories are rooted in the emotional and experiential elements of Christmas.
In addition to physical gifts, here are a few ways to create more meaningful Christmas memories this year:
1. The Gift of Time
Your time is your most valuable non-renewable resource which makes it one of the most valuable gifts you can offer to another. The gift of time tells others that they are worth more than our schedules or screens, and the beautiful thing about this is that time spent together doesn’t need to be expensive. A shared meal, a peaceful and connected walk, or an evening playing board games can be subtle but poignant moments that stay with us.
From a psychological perspective, shared time deepens attachment bonds between individuals and creates shared memories, which in turn strengthen a sense of “us.” Make a list of those you’d like to provide the gift of time to this Christmas. Perhaps also there is someone you have not connected with in a while that deserves your time once again.
2. The Gift of Attention
Our current access to technology has provided us with infinite opportunities with the costly byproduct of infinite distractions. As a result, providing someone with your full attention has become an increasingly uncommon but also a far more powerful and meaningful gift.
This could mean sacrificing sources of distraction of all kinds to instead, turn towards a loved one, letting them know perhaps even without words, that you are fully there with them. Gifts of this nature can take the form of touch, play, or simply letting your eyes meet. While it may be prudent to offer others your time, to make that time together meaningful, it must be imbued with your attention.
Through the lens of evolutionary psychology, co-regulation with others predates language, and when someone is calm and attuned to us, our nervous systems can soften and relax in a way that is difficult to replicate completely on our own. Recall a time someone was truly and fully present with you, without conditions or motives, but was simply there to understand you. That moment likely stayed with you because it touched something deep and ancient within you: the need to be mirrored and to have your inner world recognized.
Providing one’s attention doesn’t incur a monetary expense but it requires presence which is a trait we can often rush past during this time of year. This Christmas, find opportunities to provide others with the gift of your valuable attention.
3. The Gift of Acceptance
Acceptance is one of the deepest forms of love we are capable of but can also be one of the hardest to provide freely. I often hear stories of people falling into unconscious but overt roles during Christmas gatherings. Some become the Peacekeeper to sustain familial harmony, while others take on the role of the Caretaker to emotionally connect and provide for their loved ones. Similarly, many of us have an uncle or relative that takes on the role of the Rebel who will drop a controversial quip in the middle of turkey dinner just to see how others will react.
Because Christmas is a time to come together, our various rough edges are apt to come into contact with another’s. Old dynamics could resurface or we might experience deep resentments that harken from the past. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily require agreeing with another, nor is it a stamp of approval for the words or actions of someone we disagree with. Instead, acceptance is the bedrock of which we cultivate and maintain the sense of peace and safety within our bodies even when things feel turbulent around us.
Psychologically, acceptance is a powerful force because it allows us to reduce internal tension by guiding us away from resistance. Accepting what we can’t change can create insight and empathy while preventing forays into conflict. Fostering acceptance creates the space for an old dynamic or power struggle to play out differently. As Carl Rogers wrote, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” The same can true for relationships, although the focus of change is within yourself rather than by forcing change upon another.
Don’t Forget Yourself
You don’t have to cancel gifts or reinvent the holidays in order to create meaning. However, it’s also important to understand that emotional giving starts with you.
If you are running on fumes or are overwhelmed, trying to pour from an empty cup can negate the full potential of the above gifts. Before you can offer your time, attention, and acceptance to others, it is often important to reclaim it for yourself. When you’re regulated, grounded, and treating yourself with the same warmth you provide to others, everything you offer comes from a place of fullness and abundance.
This Christmas, give freely, give meaningfully, and give from a place of fullness.
